A Heart About To Burst

This is another one of those moments that will be etched into my memory for the rest of my life.  I live each day for these moments and I cherish them so deeply!  I can only hope there will be many more of these moments in my lifetime.


After the last few trying weeks of Bri going after Molly and ripping her hair out, I’ve been frustrated to the point of tears.  He’s also been kicking me and been really aggressive during medicine time and when I brush his teeth.  I’ll be honest, to brush his teeth I have to lay him on the floor and straddle him so that he can’t hit and kick me.  I hate going to these measures to brush his teeth, but after his recent dental work, I know that I can’t mess around anymore with being lax about brushing.

On top of that, Molly has been sick since last weekend and has the most horrible cough.  I took her to the doctor yesterday and they did a strep test just to make sure everything is ok, but we won’t find out until Monday.  Luckily, Bri hasn’t caught whatever Molly has right now.

Whew, it’s been a rough couple of weeks and I’m exhausted!

This afternoon I was sitting at the computer and Bri comes over to me and jumps in my lap.  He says, “go, go!”  Hearing him say go makes me so proud of him!  The words he uses regularly with me are go, up, and bye.  He says these 3 words on a daily basis.  Some other words he uses occasionally are mama, more, done and a few others.

Needless to say, when he smiles and says “go!”, we spin in the chair.  As I’m getting older, I can’t take spinning motions for too long and so I have to stop before he’s ready to stop.  Today after we stopped spinning he cuddled up in my lap and hugged me.  I treasure these moments when he’s able to show his affection and I will stop everything I’m doing for a hug.

After he hugged me, he pulled back and sat in my lap and stared into my eyes.  I caught my breath because it’s an occasion that makes the world stop spinning, the background noise and activity disappear, and demands that you stay present in the moment with your child.  Usually it’s a quick glance and then he runs off, but not today.

He would stare at me and have this HUMONGOUS smile on his face that made my heart skip a beat.  During the duration of his eye contact, he was flapping and screaming.  He would then look away and stop flapping and screaming and recollect himself.  He would then turn his head and look into my eyes with that huge grin and start the flapping and screaming again.  This went on for several minutes and I held on tight each time he looked at me and prayed the moment would never end.

I’ve heard several individuals with autism say that when they look at someone’s face, they take hundreds of pictures of their face in an instant and it becomes extremely overwhelming.  The sensory overload is too great and so it’s easier not to look people in the eyes.  This explained the flapping and screaming because Bri will often do both of these when he seems to have too much sensory input.  He seems to use it to balance back out all of his senses and then he’s calm again.

This afternoon made up for years of struggles!  For those parents that have neurotypical children, you may think I’m exaggerating.  For those parents out there with children on the spectrum, you can understand my absolute sincerity in saying that those minutes of eye contact and smiles with Bri are absolutely priceless!

Just as my heart was about to burst from all the love, I could tell the flapping and screaming were taking it’s toll and he just snuggled up to me to rest.  I then whispered sentiments that I tell him every day.  I just hope he realizes that every single word I say is true and comes from the bottom of my heart.  I think it would be impossible to love him more than I do, but I find my heart keeps growing everyday.

I love you little man and you are going to do incredible things in this world!

March 2009 Playing with daddy and all smiles.  Morgan was home for 2 weeks of R&R during his second deployment.

March 2009
Playing with daddy and all smiles. Morgan was home for 2 weeks of R&R during his second deployment.


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